Looking Back

I found myself at the cemetery today...wasn't planning on going, but found myself there as a way to get to mom's house. I had no real reason to go...but felt the pull to do so. I'm so thankful it was a beautiful day...a soft breeze and lots of birds singing in the nearby trees. Definitely my dad's type of place. It would have been one of those days that I would have found him sitting out in his back yard under a tree...doing much of nothing...just sitting. The vision makes me smile.

The plot was still very recognizable...there hasn't been enough time for grass to grow on the mound. I was hoping to find something green there...some weeds at least, but found nothing of the sorts, just a mound of mud that had recently been re-topped due to settling factors. Beside the small grave marker sat a ceramic blue rooster, a small wooden cross, and three silk flowers that had fallen amidst the grouping. My siblings had made their way there many times and left mementos of my dad. I just sat there, crying.

After pulling myself together for a visit with mom, we discussed the possibility of getting a Realtor this week and get the process of selling his estate rolling. I went to visit dad's place before returning home this evening. Again, I don't know why, but there was a pulling of sorts. To my amazement, there was a sense of peace as I stood there in tears looking at everything...all of the trashed metal, delapitated out-buildings, and broken fences. I walked throughout the yard, as if yielding respect, and shut all of the open gates. Three of them were open and for whatever reason, that bothered me. Dad didn't like to have gates opened. I then walked across the front yard where a plague of memories came flooding back. The tree was there...standing strong in the middle of the yard, and the grass was so green...being well fertilized by the grazing chickens. I saw me throwing a football with Davy, Prom pictures being taken, yard jarts being played and the 5 layer human pyramid being built one Thanksgiving. As I washed the tears away and opened my eyes, they were no longer there...the tree had been taken by Hurricane Rita, and the yard now a wintery-yellow...taken over by the grass that died and now laid like hay. The steps had crumbled and were taken over by weeds. A window broken and never replaced...either due to distraction of more important things, or just by the dementia that slowly took my dad.

I really need to be ready to help mom take care of selling the estate, but quite honestly...I don't think I am. All I know is that I have to start moving forward, and in order to do that, I had to look back today.