The First

The first Christmas without dad...it was a strange day...but I guess it is supposed to be. I kept myself busy, here in Michigan, in hopes of not having a meltdown infront of my husband's family. I almost succeeded too, until I talked with Missy...I think she is finally starting to grieve and today it hit her. And so, we cried for a little and just enjoyed each other's presence, allbeit, over the phone.

Actually, I'm glad we weren't home for Christmas. I think I would have been a basket case there. Traditions were changing due to evergrowing families, locations were shuffled, Ray wasn't able to come home, mom preparing for surgery, etc....would have been too much for me to handle all at once. Yes, I'm glad we are here ...in the cold, snow, unfamiliar to the every day life for me. The kids are having a ball, and have decided they want to live back where it snows. There was snow on the ground when we arrived and we got to enjoy it for one day before eveything began to freeze. We had a winter advisory for Christmas Eve due to the ice, but then today, everything melted. It is to snow the next two days and we are hoping to take the kids sledding. Being busy with it "all being new" to the kids has helped with the grieving depression. Hearing their little voices sing and laugh help keep things in perspective for me.

So, the First Christmas has now come and gone, and I'm glad it is behind me. Yes, I was sad. Yes, I was depressed. But the fact still remains...Christmas isn't about "feelings" or family for that matter, but about a baby...born in a manger...all because of the cross to come. Yes, it was my first Christmas without my dad, but Praise God, it was his first Christmas with Jesus!!! Yes, I honestly believe that. I honestly believe, and saw, the change in my dad before the dementia completely took over. Thank you Jesus for coming to make a way for my dad to FINALLY spend a Christmas with the One it is all about. I just wished he could have experienced you here, in front of his family...with his family. Things could have been so different...but I am praising you that things are different for him now.

Missing Dad

I should have done this earlier today...I felt IT coming on early this morning, and yet again, I swept it away and got busy so I wouldn't have to answer Grief's call at my door. Of course, I have learned that after not answering for a while, IT gets mad and slips through the front door when you're not paying attention and attacks you like an intruder. I can't do this right now...I have things to do and places to go, but IT doesn't care. IT makes me so mad at my dad and so mad at me because IT interrupts anything and everything I am doing to try not to deal with the bottom fact that I miss my dad...my gripey, dirty, smelly old dad. I miss him so much today, that I even miss the dementia. Sadly enough.

I didn't think Christmas would be this hard. He didn't like Christmas...lots of bad memories from my grandfather linger around this time of year. I praise God that I don't know about all of them, but the ones I do know makes me realize that I despise my dad's dad...and I never even knew him. I despise how he had an affect on dad, and how that had an affect on all of us. That is where my anger is coming into play. I never got presents picked out by my dad...wrapped by my dad, considered by my dad...if it weren't for mom, we wouldn't have known Christmas at all...ever. The times dad was home with us on this holiday, he was either drunk or drinking, and yelling at us all to be quiet and sit down. No, Christmas wasn't a happy time of year for us...so why am I missing him so much now? Why am I the one paying the price for the unhappiness he/they caused all those many years? It doesn't seem fair. If my dad were here, part of me thinks I would tell him that I wished he would have been a better father...to a little girl, and to the one that grew up seeing him miss out on so much. And then there is the other part of me...the one that longs to hug his boney little frame one more time and tell him how much I love him and that I am glad God chose him to be my dad. The battle that rages within me is almost too much to bare at times. I wish I could just forget the bad times even existed...that way I could only miss the good side of my dad. I wish I could just cry at this time of year because of the great, family memories that were made at Christmas.

There Grief, are you happy now...I said it. I miss him...I miss him more than I ever thought I would. I miss him more than he deserves...but I guess I just realized......

I am missing him as much as my heart wishes he deserved.

I still can see him wink, smile and give me the "OK" sign as he made that little noise he made. Merry Christmas, dad. I think you would have enjoyed this one.